WHAT IS A WIFE?

     Immediately past the innocence of childhood and the freedom of bachelorhood comes that incredible creature known as a wife. Wives come in assorted colors that vary from day to day-platinum blonde, ash blonde, redhead, brunette, hyena, auburn and camel brown. According to a recent survey, by the way, more doctors are switching to camel-haired women than ever before. All wives have one creed in common, to spend every nickel of every dime of every dollar of every pay check before you get it. In this respect, they are very much like the government. Wives are found everywhere -in reducing saloons, bridge parties, 5th Avenue beauty parlors, bargain basements, in your chair, on your lap, in mud packs, maternity rooms and ... going through your pockets. Mothers love them, mothers-in-law tolerate them, spinsters envy them, and husbands fear them. A wife is a purity with cold cream on her face, dignity with a dish rug in her hands, beauty with curlers on her hair, and wisdom with a unbalanced checkbook. No matter how busy you are, your wife keeps you on the phone till she gets her new dress she saw downtown. But when you try to show her off, she hasn't got a thing to wear. A wife is a composite of many things - the curiosity of an income tax collector, the suspicion of a detective, the imagination of a psycho-analyst, and the temper of a marine first-sergeant. She likes charged accounts, babies, soap bubbles, chits and all kinds of presents, gossip, a 21-inch waistline, mink coats, sleeping late, eating out and. .other men. She hates corsets, ironing, being over thirty, husbands who use quest towels, budgets cigars, her husband's secretary and... other women. Nobody could get so happy on one glass of champagne, or be so late to many appointments. Nobody could spend so much time in front of the mirror plucking, vibrating, combing, brushing, polishing, rubbing off, touching up and still come out looking very much like the same. In short and simple language, a wife is heaven and hell altogether, Sir!